The Self-Care after Rape series is a set of tips and tricks from a small group of survivors.

 

Anonymous asked
I wanted to respond to the anon who has her one year traumaversary coming up: I think you are amazingly brave. I have a couple different 5 year traumaversaries coming up - an "attempted rape" this month, and a rape in October. I was organizing this weekend, and found the bra I was wearing Oct 09. I stared at it blankly, then folded it and put it in my drawer. I haven't worn it since, but haven't gotten rid of it. I may follow your example... Burning it would be a release. Stay strong. <3

Passing this along!

SKPS

Anonymous asked
I guess I just need to ramble. my one year is on sept 6/7 and just. I feel like I shouldn't be upset over what happened since it was "only" sexual battery. you know? like, I feel like Im not allowed to call it an attack. I want to let you know im burning the dress I was wearing though.

Hi Anon,

Any feelings you have towards what happened are 100% valid. It was your experience, treat it how you’d like. There is no “normal” way to feel about it.

Your traumaversary is coming up soon, and that can bring up a lot of emotions. I know that I have a very tough time during the entire month of January, even though I was only abused on the 26th and 27th.

Just like feeling the way you want, you can call your experience whatever you want. “Just because” it wasn’t as serious as you think it could be, doesn’t mean it wasn’t awful.


You completely have the right to burn that dress. If that is gonna help you, burn it until there is nothing left!


Do what you need to do to get through the 6th and 7th. You’re strong.

Feel free to keep checking in with me,
SKPS

TW: rape sexual assault fire

Anonymous asked
i'm a survivor and oftentimes when i feel triggered i also feel horny. typically i will just masturbate to get rid of that tension i'm feeling but right now i feel really fucked up and i'm trying to prevent myself from masturbating because i think it could not be helpful. but i also want to try it too because i think i might cry and that would feel good. are there resources/articles where people talk about how masturbating helps/hurts feeling triggered? it's so fucking complicated! thank you :)

Arousal can definitely be a … side effect? of being triggered/anxiety because basically the body doesn’t always know what to do with some of the signals the brain is giving off. and like.. oh a racing heart what’s the for? it could be a panic attack.. it could also be sexy times. anyway.

if you’re masturbating just to get rid of that- and you’re… not like beating yourself up afterwards, or feeling dirty, or thinking that’s all you’re worth… then you’re probably okay. It’s just.. scratching an itch.

It can be a more negative behavior if it’s a self harm behavior- if you’re doing it until you’re hurt, or because sex is all you think you’re worth or if afterwards you do become overcome with shame. or if the thoughts you’re masturbating to are harming you.

Think about whether or not you feel better or worse after having done so.

I hope this helped?

Updates and all that jazz

Friendly reminder that if you don’t want to see… reblogged SCaR posts? (like the one I Just reblogged. not the ones with follower input) just black list/ts ‘reblogging for reasons’.

That’s my current tag for when people ask questions that can be directly answered in one of those posts.

So I’m trying to.. power through some of the inbox… I’m determined to get it below 100 within the next week or so.  The inbox has been really overwhelming some of my mods. and I think if I can get that number down and it be mostly just answering new asks… I think it’ll be a lot healthier for everyone involved.

anyone who is in the SCaR facebook group is aware of the newest SCaR… sideproject. and I’ll expose that to the rest of SCaR once I get that pretty number below 100. I’m excited about it. about.. five of the mods are going to be working with me on it. but it’s mostly about.. y’all. and y’alls participation. … you’ll see.

Survivors Speak Out! yr 2 starts on Monday and I am so excited. Just remember if you still want to submit you have … like this week and next week to do so. I still have two interviews that I need to get done (but!!! one of my mods helped me figure out the thing that has stalled me on formatting the one I did get done. so the others should be a lot better now that my brain isn’t melting.) At least to start out- it will be a post every other day. As more submissions roll in I may alter that to one every day. Idk. We will see.

In the mean time of other stuff happening the But! posts have been slowed down to one a week just so I have time to exist. I have this week’s already done and ready to go. Plus I have some.. non-series posts that I really want to get done soon because stuff keeps coming up.

selfcareafterrape:

Respecting a survivor’s sense of self is really the biggest thing- and as always, Support and Affirm Worth.

I hope you guys are having a fabulous Wednesday, and as always, take care of yourselves <3

Anonymous asked
Any resources on not blaming yourself?

Not yet. The but! series is slowly addressing the topic and when it’s done I’ll probably put together a more comprehensive thing.

Anonymous asked
So I have a history with sexual abuse; molested at 5 by my neighbor and raped twice, once at age 15 once at 16. My boyfriend knows about it all and is usually super respectful, watches what he says and things like that. But he has an issue with randomly grabbing me (boobs, butt, and genitals) I understand because I'll grab his butt jokingly sometimes too but sometimes its too much and catches me off guard. (pt 1)

shittybeatnik:

selfcareafterrape:

(pt 2 ) How do I bring this up to him and tell him that it bothers me without seeming like I dont want him sexually or hurting his feelings?

——-

"Hey, most of the time it’s chill that you grab my butt/boobs like that… but sometimes it triggers me. and because of that I think we should just avoid that in general because being triggered sucks. I still love ya but… yeah."

Just be honest with him. and that you can’t think of a way to tell him when it’s okay and when it’s not- so just avoid the random stuff. If you’re okay with it like. right after you’ve done it to him- or when you see him coming- you can tell him that too.

It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. If he’s been understanding so far- he should be understanding now.

I had a relationship with a similar issue, and we established a rule. He basically had a safe word that he would playfully say before he would swoop in for the grab (ours was “Monster hands!”) and I could respond accordingly before physical contact was established. If I laughed and yelled “Oh noes, not monster hands!” or something similarly lighthearted, then he knew I was okay to play, but if I said “no monster hands today” and put my fingers up in an X then he knew it was a no go. It worked really well for us to establish boundaries that we knew to be fluid while still maintaining a playful atmosphere. I could say “no” in a way that didn’t ruin a playful mood. We called it our preemptive safe word; we also had what we called a “soft safe word” and a “hard safe word”— the soft word could be used to say “I need the thing to stop but I’m okay to continue being playful” and the hard word to say “Every single fucking thing needs to stop right this second because I am triggered and absolutely not okay”. Safe words are for more than just sexual situations. 

Good advice is good.

Sometimes it really is just that startle factor, so if you can figure out a way to get rid of that… and also communicate when you may be okay vs. not okay- then hopefully that will work.

Anonymous asked
So I have a history with sexual abuse; molested at 5 by my neighbor and raped twice, once at age 15 once at 16. My boyfriend knows about it all and is usually super respectful, watches what he says and things like that. But he has an issue with randomly grabbing me (boobs, butt, and genitals) I understand because I'll grab his butt jokingly sometimes too but sometimes its too much and catches me off guard. (pt 1)

(pt 2 ) How do I bring this up to him and tell him that it bothers me without seeming like I dont want him sexually or hurting his feelings?

——-

"Hey, most of the time it’s chill that you grab my butt/boobs like that… but sometimes it triggers me. and because of that I think we should just avoid that in general because being triggered sucks. I still love ya but… yeah."

Just be honest with him. and that you can’t think of a way to tell him when it’s okay and when it’s not- so just avoid the random stuff. If you’re okay with it like. right after you’ve done it to him- or when you see him coming- you can tell him that too.

It shouldn’t be that big of a deal. If he’s been understanding so far- he should be understanding now.

Anonymous asked
After being raped 6 times from a few different people, my boyfriend that I have been with for about a year and a half gets scared whenever I'm alone or stop replying for a long period of time. I have told him he shouldn't worry so Much and it won't happen again and whatever else. But he doesn't believe it. Any advice on how to make him feel better for when I'm alone

Hey.

So, there’s two ways of looking at this. One way is that he’s worried about you, and he just wants to keep you safe and know that you’re okay. This is something that a lot of partners and friends feel when they find out about our survivor status.

Another way of looking at it is that he’s being controlling. Making sure that he knows where you are all the time, who you’re with, what you’re doing etc.

The best way to resolve this is to sit down with your partner and talk to him about it (so long as you feel safe doing so). Tell him about how it’s making you feel, explain why it’s not helping, and how potentially damaging it can be. If you don’t want to talk to him about it face to face, then there’s other ways, such as leaving a letter where he’ll find it, sending him a text, an IM, giving him a phone call, or asking a friend to have a word with him.

Hope this helped, stay safe!

-O

Anonymous asked
Tw rape tw: self harm. When I was a child, I was raped for a number of years by my older sibling. As I struggle to deal with it, I've found that cutting is my vent because I feel something other that the pain that was inflicted by someone else. I can control the pain. I feel like I deserve to suffer and that no one wants me because I'm dirty and used. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but is this a normal or common reaction to sexual abuse?

Hey

So…short answer? Yes. This is a normal reaction. This is something that a lot of people go through, and something that I’m still struggling with.

But there are other ways of venting and it kinda depends on why you do it. There are several different reasons on why people self harm, the most common two being ‘I just want to feel something’ and ‘I deserve it’. If it’s because you just want to feel something, there are other ways of coping. For example, drawing on yourself where you want to cut is helpful, especially if you use a red pen. Or you can distract yourself by doing other things, like watching a movie or TV series, reading a book, or writing a book. If it’s because you’re trying to vent your feelings…try writing them down? As a song, a poem, or simply just a list. There’s a PowerPoint here that you might find helpful.

You do not deserve to suffer, and you’re not dirty and used. Please, be careful.

I hope this helped, stay safe

-O