The Self-Care after Rape series is a set of tips and tricks from a 20 year old survivor. Updated about twice a week.
<33 Also, I just wanted to thank everyone who sent me nice messages before.
I just got… very overwhelmed with a lot of things going on in the meat space- and then things going on here. and usually I’m decent at ignoring some of the stuff that was getting to me. But I took a few days and I talked to my therapist and our regularly scheduled programming should be back- starting with a few things I told people I was going to do right before I freaked out.
I just need to log off the internet when posts blow back up- because that tends to be when I get large amounts of people being gross at one time. and the PTSD post and the ‘How to help a friend who has been raped’ one had gone off that night before/that day.
anyway, y’all are wonderful <3
if this is in regards to the FYSE thing- I think the person who is causing problems changed it to clickhereforrapeapologists
though it was previously something like ‘FYSEquestions’ or something like that. it’s a popular sex education blog.
If this is not in regards to that… I am not sure what you are asking? Clarify and shoot again ^^
I do not- however, if you contact the above wonderful individual- they have some trauma books in pdf form in their drop box.
I’m not sure if they’re workbooks.
Does anyone have any workbook suggestions?
Ask her if there are ways you can be comforting without touch. I know especially really close to it happening- I couldn’t handle touch, but people just… being there helped. and I had one friend who would bring me my blanket whenever I appeared anxious- and I’d pretty much curl up in a chair completely hidden beneath this giant blanket- and they’d chill on the couch and just… do their homework or watch a movie or tell me about their day. It helped.
Distractions can help.
Comfort items can help.
There are ways to comfort people without actually touching them.
As for getting over a touch trigger…
that is something I’d rather talk about with a survivor. Not with friends of them. Because too often friends and family get a little over zealous or do things about triggers thinking they’re helping and hurt survivors in the process. and I’m not having someone use my advice to do that.
1. Keep face wipes and deodorant by your bed. They’re easy and can make a huge difference in how clean you feel
2. Take sink showers. Washing your hair and your face in the sink quickly works especially well if you’re a survivor having anxiety about being naked (yes, that’s totally normal)
3. Invest in a dry shampoo. You can use it in bed or sitting down on days when you can’t get up, it’s super easy, and it gets rid of oily hair really quickly
4. Use scented body lotion to make yourself smell nice- it’s grounding and makes you feel soft and clean without much effort
5. Air fresheners and scented candles can make your room smell nice and make you feel more fresh and together
6. Wear your favorite cozy clothes
7. Spray your favorite perfume on your clothes if you can’t handle changing out of pajamas
8. Sometimes if you use easy makeup products tinted lip balms can help you trick yourself into thinking you feel better
Also- attached to number 2-
It is possible to take showers and to change without ever being naked. It takes some maneuvering to do well (showering in bathing suits and probably changing into new clothes before you actually get dry- perhaps having a large loose dress/shirt that goes to at least mid thigh. that you change into first- as a sort of ‘in between shower and day clothes).
Do what you have to do.
tw: alcoholism, pills
I spent all of last December drunk.
and when I say all…. I mean all.
I mean doing other student’s papers- getting paid in liquor. showing up to classes smashed, showing up to clubs smashed. I mean every morning waking up and making hot chocolate and mixing it with schnapps so that I could go to class. Drinking entire bottles of champagne before going out in the evenings- where I would drink whiskey straight from the bottle. Anyone who knew me on campus knew that if I was carrying anything that wasn’t a mountain dew bottle- there was something in my cup. and even once I got home- my father giving me a glass of shine before we headed to festivities. Flight bottles tucked in my bra so that they wouldn’t be noticed when we headed out in public. Spending all my time either out with friends or tucked in my room because I refuse to let a child see me drunk. If I wasn’t actively drinking- I was still drunk from the previous day. One of the nights I went out with Ryan- we got home around 5 am- he got me in my dorm and tucked in, and despite not drinking anything new- the world was still spinning at 9 the next night when he called to ask if I was ready to do it all over again.
But I was happy.
I’m a happy drunk.
It’s a problem. My father is an alcoholic- I called him a functional alcoholic growing up because he was able to keep a job despite drinking at it. My mother is an alcoholic- has already lost a kidney because of it and still throws them back as if it weren’t a problem. Both sides of my family are steeped in that history. My sister is an addict. Last I heard, if she has kept her nose clean, she gets off probation this month.
and I.. am a happy drunk.
I can’t tell you the last time I drank.
Some people keep careful track of their vices.
They can tell you ‘I haven’t self harmed in 9 months’
or ‘I’ve been clean for a year’
and that works for them, but it makes me… itchy.
to think of the time. Keeping track of it only makes me want to do it more. But I can tell you I haven’t drank in a while. I haven’t been truly drunk in a while either. I don’t keep a backpack filled with wine and liquor by the door anymore, waiting for me to get aggravated and bounce. it’s been over a year since I OD’d and just as long since I took anything.
I was never quite addicted. not physically. I can months without cravings- the same with cigarettes. if I was addicted to anything- it was the escapism.
but I had to write this post. and I had to acknowledge where I was last year and where I’m at now.
who I am is not who I’ve been.
and who I am to be is still to be seen.
because I’m frustrated that I can’t cope with everything that is going on- and while I may not be coping well, I am doing a hell of a lot better than I would have last year- or the year before that.
and I need to acknowledge that.
In a healthy relationship, you:
- Treat each other with respect
- Feel secure and comfortable
- Are not violent with each other
- Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
- Enjoy the time you spend together
- Support one another
- Take interest in one another’s lives: health, family, work, etc.
- Have privacy in the relationship
- Can trust each other
- Are each sexual by choice
- Communicate clearly and openly
- Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
- Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
- Encourage other friendships
- Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
- Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
- Have more good times in the relationship than bad
In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
- Try to control or manipulate the other
- Make the other feel bad about her/himself
- Ridicule or call names
- Dictate how the other dresses
- Do not make time for each other
- Criticize the other’s friends
- Are afraid of the other’s temper
- Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
- Ignore each other when one is speaking
- Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
- Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
- Control the other’s money or other resources (e.g., car)
- Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
- Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
- Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving
Those traits are for romantic relationships, but I think a lot of it fits for platonic relationships too.
If they repeatedly make you feel bad they are probably toxic.
Probably the best description of that particular aspect of depression that I’ve ever read. At least, that’s how it is for me.
From what you’ve said (I did get the other asks, just going to answer on this last one)- it doesn’t sound like you crossed any major lines or that you were abusive.
Especially if your partner agreed to block her and hasn’t complained- I’d say let it go. That it wasn’t a bad move on your part. He probably understands that he made a huge mistake- and that there are things that have to be done so that you would trust him again.
Yes, the yelling and stuff probably wasn’t the best thing to do- but neither was cheating. You are allowed to have emotions and you were allowed to be upset.
but it sounds like you two have worked things out and that y’all have a healthier relationship now.
It’s good to look back at our previous behavior- especially those done in times of extreme emotion- and figure out how to react better- if we don’t like how we responded the first time. but don’t let it bother you too much- if you have asked him and he said that you were right to be upset, and that he doesn’t think your behavior was in the wrong.